


It Happened in Texas

by artsyspikedhair



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Denial of Feelings, Depression, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Statutory Rape, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-29 08:57:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 11,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5122439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People change people. And someone in Texas changed Farkle a lot. The problem is, what if change isn't always a good thing?</p><p>Or, the one where Zay hates Health class and Harper assigns a writing assignment that reveals more than anyone bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something's Up

Zay hated health class. It was the one class he actually hated more in New York than in Texas. Because, although he appreciated the fact that Ms. Norton acknowledged that people could have sex before marriage, it just went into so much detail. Zay didn't want to hear about anal and oral and all the diseases he never knew existed and never wanted to know. Zay didn't get why he had to learn about all this stuff now, when obviously nobody would be having sex before they were seventeen and could consent. What made it worse was that he sat next to Farkle, who knew everything. 

Farkle, who was raising his hand, looking scared?! Zay was suddenly a lot more interested. He looked to the board, where all the different diseases one could get were written, with their symptoms. 

"Ms. Norton?" Farkle asked, when his raised hand was getting no attention. He noticed people staring at him, Maya and Riley in front of him looking particularly concerned, but he didn't care. Farkle needed to know the answer to this question. When Ms. Norton made it obvious she had heard him, Farkle continued. "Where could someone find out if..." He trailed off, then tried again. He had to know the answer. This wasn't Belgium 1831, but it was important. More important. "If they had an STD?" he finished, heart beating so loud he felt it could be heard under his old turtleneck he had decided to start wearing again. The question made his mind start wandering, so he gripped the desk, the cool plastic grounding him in the present. 

Ms Norton gave the answer. There's a Planned Parenthood near the school and doctors' are often helpful as well. The lesson dragged on again and Zay began thinking about why he hated it so much again. He didn't think twice about why Farkle asked the question. 

Health class ended and history began. It had been the first class of the day, so Maya was about ready to fall asleep again. Luckily, Riley was always ready to cover for her best friend/girlfriend. They had gotten together after Maya went on two dates with Lucas and then admitted she only did it because she thought Riley wanted her to. She loved Lucas like a brother, but she didn't like Riley as a sister should. Riley spent two days analyzing whether her jealousy was, like Farkle had said, because she liked Lucas or if she actually liked Maya. Then she came to Maya's house and the two were now dating. So while Maya came into class and literally fell asleep (her backpack cushioned her fall), Riley was busy thinking of ways to distract her father. She didn't notice Farkle had been walking incredibly slowly, like he was dreading history. Nobody did.

But she did notice when Farkle was late, because Farkle has never been late since the whole Billy incident. She had been talking to her father about the Hoover Dam when the bell ringed, and she suddenly stopped in the middle of her sentence. "Farkle isn't here," she said. She didn't say she thought something might be wrong, but it was implied. 

At that moment, Farkle ran into the room, not looking at anyone or anywhere but his empty seat. He then looked forward, saying he was sorry he was late. His heart was still beating quickly from health class. Lucas asked him if he was alright. Farkle, still catching his breath, said yeah before passing out. He wasn't.

After that incident, class went on as usual. There had been no 'Riley, Maya, Lucas' lesson because Mr. Matthews had a curriculum to maintain. The only odd thing was Farkle, after waking up, didn't say anything. He didn't even look Mr. Matthews in the face. Lucas noticed this, and so did Zay. Mr. Matthews noticed as well, and considered asking Farkle if he wanted Farkle Time, but then realized that would be a horrible idea. The boy was clearly going through something bad if he wasn't participating in history class. Mr. Matthews wouldn't push him. Maya slept throughout the lesson, and Riley worried but never looked back to see if Farkle was okay. She had to take notes so she and Maya could do homework after school. She had her own life to worry about.

After history there was lunch. Farkle acted normal there, joking with Lucas about Zay and Vanessa's long distance relationship, pretending not to notice Riley and Maya holding hands under the table. Lucas asked Farkle "What was up with history class today?" but Farkle just laughed it off. Lucas didn't bring it up again. If something was seriously wrong, Farkle would tell him. Wouldn't he? 

After lunch was English class. There had been no homework. Today was the day the class would begin writing. Everyone was excited, because nothing in Harper's class was ever traditional, and so her writing prompts likely would be either. Farkle was as on time as ever, and seemed completely Farkle-y, just like always. Harper showed up three minutes late, while Zay had been shouting "If she's not here in fifteen minutes, we can leave!" Harper shushed him, and he fell silent as he jumped off the chair he was using as a way to get everyone's attention. 

"As you can see, I am here. Your assignment today is to write about something affecting you right now. Write about your emotions. It doesn't have to be in paragraphs or poetry or anything. Just write like you would in a journal. The writing can be anonymous. You have all of class. Go!" 


	2. Farkle's Assignment

Farkle figured he would have to write about what had happened in Texas, because it was the only thing affecting him right now, and he felt like he was lying all the time by pretending everything was normal. His mind couldn't stop going back to that night. He knew if he hesitated any longer people would notice, because Farkle Minkus loved school. Farkle Minkus had a reputation to maintain. And Harper was a cool teacher, so it wasn't like he'd have to tell the whole class or anything. With that in mind, he began to write. 

  


_It Happened in Texas __  
_

We had gone to get ice cream, leaving behind the two people that would likely be making out by the end of the night, if my friend was correct. I was certain she was wrong. I knew who our friend at the campfire liked, and it wasn't anyone born and bred in Texas. 

Suddenly the line moved up. I got chocolate chip ice cream, she got vanilla. I was excited, because I was in a new state and with my friends. I had gone on a train for the first time a few days ago. Everyone had an accent. We ate in silence. 

After a while I had to go to the bathroom. I grabbed a cup and dumped the rest of my cone in it, planning to finish once I came out. I came into the Mens' room. The stall didn't lock, but nobody else was in there so I thought that I was safe. 

  


Farkle let out a shaky breath after writing that line. Lucas looked over, and Farkle smiled at him. This was just a class assignment, Farkle reminded himself. He looked down, reread what he had written, (changed Mens' to Men's) and continued. 

  


I thought that I was safe, so I began peeing. Then I heard the door open. 

  


Farkle couldn't continue. He asked Lucas what he was writing. "I'm writing about how it feels to have ridden Tombstone." Lucas whispered. "What about you?" 

"I'm writing about how it felt to eat barbecue for the first time." Farkle lied. He then went back to writing, not being able to see Lucas' reaction to what he felt was such an obvious lie. 

  


Suddenly someone was touching my shoulders. I fainted. 

I woke up to the man touching me, one hand on my shoulder, the other pulling down his pants. I said stop before he covered my mouth, using his elbow to keep me pinned against the toilet. He said I was a freak. A girly freak. I didn't belong in the Men's room, he said. He looked like Mr. Matthews, but not really. I think I blacked out again. I woke again with a pain in my 

  


Farkle stopped writing. He then continued.

  


I woke up again ~~with a pain in my~~ and walked out. I washed my hands. I told myself I was fine.

I walked out in a daze. My friend asked me what took me so long. I said there was a giant statue of a bull in the Men's room. It was an obvious lie, but it made her laugh. I wanted to make her laugh. My friends are going through so much these days, and I couldn't be a burden. I had to help them figure out their lives, because my friends are the most important people I know. Something in my mind told me she'd never believe me anyway. I finished my ice cream, telling dumb jokes throughout. 

I'mfineI'mfineI'mfine ran in the background of my thoughts. It hasn't stopped since. I feel like killing something, like I should go back to Texas and kill him. It was messed up, and I can never be the same again. I'm not fine. Nobody knows. I can't stop thinking about it, but I can't talk about it either. ~~Maybe I am a girly freak.~~ Telling people would mean explaining myself to them, and I have worked so hard to be normal.

  


Farkle stopped writing. His eyes were tearing up. He folded up his assignment. The bell rang a few minutes later. He didn't have math class with the gang. He stayed silent all throughout, just doing his work. He then left school, and went to the Planned Parenthood near John Quincy Adams'.


	3. Harper and Mr. Matthews Talk

"Cory?" 

"Harper! What's up?"

"A student of mine wrote a rather concerning piece for the assignment I told you about. The one where I was going to teach people about how we all feel the same type of stuff. I don't think I should have the kids do the project anymore." 

"Can I read it? Because I might be able to recognize who wrote it and get them help, now that Miss Ober is gone." 

"Yes, here it is. It's rather... disturbing." 

Harper handed Cory the paper with writing on it. Cory read it, his eyes widening at parts. After a moment he handed it back. He looked back up at Harper and said "Do the project, but do not let this one be a part of it. The lesson you planned is good, but my daughter had trouble knowing Pluto isn't a planet. We should not have to teach her about rape." 

"What about the kid it happened to? I'm a new teacher, I don't know the protocol for this. 

"Was the assignment to write about something that actually happened?" 

"Yes, I haven't begun my lesson on fiction yet. Of course, some kids are the kind who would make something up anyway, but this seems real. 

"I'll have a talk with Farkle." 

"Farkle? But he seemed fine in my class." 

" _'looked like Mr. Matthews' ___he wrote. Farkle acted weird around me yesterday. He couldn't even look me in the eye. That is not normal for him."

"So what do we do? Just talk to him?" 

"Find out if it was him who wrote the piece. If it was, we contact authorities so he'll be able to safely deal with the aftereffects of the attack." 

"Okay, thank you Cory." 

"You're welcome Harper. It's our job to do what's best for these kids, and that means ensuring their safety." 

"I hope he gets help, if it was him." 

"Me too. 


	4. Farkle is Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, Farkle gets worse at hiding and his friends know something's up.

Farkle hasn't slept properly since the last night in Texas. Everything he closes his eyes, he sees that face looking down at him, feels the pain ripping through him like- he can't even think in metaphors anymore. So he doesn't sleep. 

He didn't sleep well before the incident either, going to bed at 7:30, falling asleep around 8, then waking at 1am with no hope of falling asleep again, because his parents were sleeping and he could hear their snores. But now it was different. Now it was worse.

The first few nights he suffered through the nightmares, waking up hyperventilating, but since the day he wrote about it in English class, he swore to himself he would never think of it again. So to do that, he spent the part of the afternoon where he wasn't taking invasive tests to find out if he had any STD doing what he usually did after his homework: reading about history online. Then during the night he did his homework, which lasted him until 11 o'clock because of his Honors math class. Then he wrote some extra credit essays, which got him through the rest of the night. By the morning he was very tired, but had successfully gone all night without thinking about what he was trying not to think about. 

He showed to school the next day with bags under his eyes and incoherent thoughts, but he had math first period so it didn't matter. He just turned in his homework and did the problems he was assigned. He could get through this. It only takes eleven days before he'd wind up dead, and even that research was foggy. 

Life got harder when he went throughout the rest of his day. His friends were in all of classes except art, and he couldn't get away with merely shrugging when they asked if he was okay. 

"Hey Farkle, are you okay?" Zay asked, in the middle of science class. He was Farkle's partner, and Farkle had accidentally forgot to put on goggles. 

"Yeah, just tired." 

"You seem a little bit more than tired to me, man. Did you get any sleep last night? " 

Farkle sighed, before telling the truth. "No." 

But nothing all that bad happened. Farkle used the bathroom without freaking out like he had the first few times he had to after the incident. He went to his classes, talked like normal with his friends (mostly Riley and Maya, because he felt like he hadn't talked to them in a while), and lived like he did before Texas. 

But soon it was the last period of the day. History. Farkle knew logically that Mr. Matthews had done nothing wrong, but he still began freaking out as he walked in the room. His hands were shaking, so he curled them into fists and put them in his pockets. He felt like his heart was going to explode. If a stranger could show so much ruthlessness, what made a teacher any different? What if it was Mr. Matthews in that bathroom? Farkle knew this was illogical, but in his panic his sleep deprived mind couldn't care. He was not walking into that room. 

Suddenly Riley was next to him. "Farkle, it's history. Are you coming?" 

Then Maya looked back, seeing Farkle just standing there in the hallway. "Farkle, you love history. Come on." 

Farkle stuttered. "I... I can't" 

Both girls were confused. "Did something happen?" Riley asked, worried. 

"I..." Farkle's mouth was dry. He couldn't handle those brown eyes on him, the ones that looked so worried yet still reminded him of his attacker. He did the one thing he could do. Farkle ran away. 

Riley considered running after him, but Maya held her back. "You don't know what's going on with him. You might make it worse. Sometimes... sometimes people need to be alone. " 

Unbeknownst to them, Mr. Matthews saw the entire thing through the giant window in the side of his classroom. As Riley and Maya walked in, he sighed. Cory couldn't cancel class because the principal knew he was here, and it would seem unprofessional. He began to write on the board, his mind (as well as his daughter and her girlfriend's minds) were still thinking about the terrified look in Farkle's eyes.


	5. Farkle Nation is Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit shorter than the other chapters, sorry. I'll add to it later.

Farkle felt like an idiot. Now his friends would know something was wrong. But more than that, he was missing his favorite class. Why couldn't he just get himself together? How was he supposed to rule the world if he couldn't even learn about it? All because his favorite teacher looked like his attacker. His rapist, a sneaky voice in the back of his mind told him. But Farkle refused to believe that voice. Rape happened to people who were older and drinking too much and had sex forced upon them. Rape was something boys did to girls. Rape meant sex took place, and Farkle was certain what happened to him was not sex. It was fear and pain and maybe he blocked some of it out, but it wasn't _sex ___. It couldn't be. He was just exaggerating, it wasn't that bad, nothing that bad could happen to a fourteen year old.__

Farkle wasn't paying attention to where he was going. His brain kept on thinking about how he was going to rule the world if he couldn't even rule himself. He couldn't even stop his hands from shaking, his heart from feeling like it would explode, his feet from carrying him away from what felt like danger but wasn't. He wasn't in any real danger, and he knew the scientific explanation for anxiety but never really felt it until today. He figured Farkle Nation was gone, because he could never rule the world in this state. 

He couldn't stop thinking that it could happen again, that if a stranger could betray him so could Cory Matthews, so could someone in New York. The traitorous voice in his head asked what if it was Cory Matthews in that bathroom, what if Farkle just didn't recognize him because he glued on a fake beard and... Farkle knew he was being illogical. Farkle did not know where he was running, but his unconscious brought him to Harper's classroom, where, conveniently, she wasn't teaching a class because it was her free block. She waved Farkle in, and Farkle felt slightly safer. 


	6. A Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harper talks to Farkle.

Farkle took a seat in one of the desks up front, both because he thought it would make this whole student-skipping-class thing less awkward if he seems studious once he gets in trouble, and because he wanted to be near the door in case he'd have to escape. He hated the way he thought now, in terms of escape or safety, but once a connection has been made in one's neurological pathways, Farkle knew it was hard to break the habit. He felt slightly safer than being in the hallways, being alone, but he was still terrified he'd get in trouble, or something worse would happen. Something worse can always happen. He knew that. 

Harper was surprised to see Farkle skipping class. It was unlike him, but made sense once she remembered who taught his last period class. Her suspicions grew as she remembered this, but she was a teacher, not a detective, and figured it would be best to just talk to Farkle and see what happened next. 

"Farkle... You know you're supposed to be in class, right?" Harper felt too authoritarian after she said it, but she waited for the small boy's response. 

"I know, but I think I was having a panic attack, and the old guidance counselor always said safety was most important for a learning environment before she got expelled for possession of marijuana, and I didn't feel safe and I still sort of feel like I'm going to explode and I am willing to serve whatever detention you give just please don't make me go back!" Farkle regretted everything he was saying, but he couldn't stop talking after he started. He felt like maybe if he said enough, he could expel the awful feeling in his chest just by saying a lot of words. 

"It's okay Farkle. I will not send you back, and you are not going to get in trouble. Do you have any idea what might have caused this panic attack?" Harper was trying to act like a guidance counselor, but this was never in her job description. She tried to seem calming as she spoke. 

"I don't know." He did know, sort of, but he didn't want to talk about it, because talking about it leads to remembering it the same way writing about it did except there would be no anonymity. "I guess, I just felt overwhelmed. Have you ever had that feeling, where someone brings up memories out of nowhere and you don't want to remember them but your brain just can't turn off?" 

"Yes, I have felt that way. Usually talking about the memories helps me forget them." Harper was telling the truth. 

"I don't think that will help." 

"What will help?" 

"I don't know. I've tried writing about it, I've tried forgetting about it, I've gotten no sleep in the past day, and now I'm missing class but I can't go back to class because I know going there is going to trigger those damn memories and I just want to forget!" 

Harper didn't know how to respond to this outburst, and Farkle, who was finally calming, felt embarrassed, so the two sat in silence for a while. Then Farkle realized what he said. "I just swore, didn't I?" 

Harper shook her head, saying "It's okay, I'm the cool teacher." They both laughed at this for a while. Then the bell rang, and Farkle got up to leave. Before he reached the door, Harper said "Farkle, if you ever want to talk about it, I'm always free last block on Fridays. And also, I have a question for you, before you go." Harper hoped to God she was doing the right thing. Farkle turned around. 

"What?" he asked, with no sign of what was coming. Harper went into her drawer, and pulled out a piece of paper with sickeningly familiar handwriting on it. 

"Is this yours?" Farkle was asked, and he looked again to make sure he wasn't mistaken. The top of the paper said _It Happened In Texas _____

"Yes." 


	7. Forgiveness Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas and Zay fill Farkle out on what he missed in class.

Farkle walks out of the room, unsure of what he's feeling. He didn't talk about it, but he had basically just admitted what had happened. To a teacher. Farkle hoped he wouldn't run into anyone, so he could just go home and crash into the dreamless sleep that he was hoping to fall into. He could barely keep his eyes open, which is how he didn't notice Lucas and Zay until he was right in front of them. 

"Farkle, why'd you miss class?" Lucas asked, looking concerned and hitting straight at the heart of what he wanted to ask Farkle. He was also slightly preoccupied with what had happened in class. He wrote a letter forgiving Farkle, but it was meaningless unless Farkle received it. 

"I got a headache so I went to the nurse." Farkle lied, and he surprised at how easy lying came to him, when only a year earlier he couldn't even tell when someone else was lying. His skills had definitely improved, and suddenly a headache hit him. Likely from sleep-deprivation.

"Oh, well we wrote you letters in class." Zay said suddenly. 

"The entire class wrote me letters?!" Farkle was shocked. He figured nobody other than Riley and Maya would care, since he had missed school before, unlike the Billy Ross incident. He suddenly was hit with the inexplicable feeling that maybe they wrote him letters because they knew. Maybe they could tell something bad had happened to him. Maybe it marinated off of his skin, like deodorant... 

"Nah, why would they do that? " Zay replied, unaware of Farkle's internal freak out. 

"Yeah, that'd be weird.No, we were supposed to write letters forgiving someone." 

Farkle was relieved he had skipped class. He could never forgive Riley for asking him out for ice cream. He knew it wasn't her fault, it was his for letting his stupid guard down in a friggin' bathroom of all places, but he shouldn't have ever left that campfire. Maybe he was the dumb-dumb... To end these spiraling thoughts, Farkle decided to act curious. "Why'd you write me a letter? What did I do?" 

"You know what you do, Farkle." Zay replied. Farkle began wondering if maybe his friends knew he was trans. Maybe they knew the whole time, and secretly think of him as a girl, and think he's lying to them, and... But wait! he thought, they forgive me for whatever it is I did. And nobody would forgive me for being a girly freak, so it couldn't be that, the mean voice in his head said, although Farkle knew that his parents forgave him for not being their daughter, and the world was more accepting of his kind these days. Still, the voice was hard to ignore. 

"Why do you look so serious all of a sudden? Farkle..." Lucas waved his hand in front of Farkle's face, and Farkle snapped out of it. "We want you to read our letters of forgiveness, is that okay?" Farkle nodded. 

"Dear Farkle, I forgive you for ruining every single movie we've ever seen together." Farkle felt something like a combination of relief and self-hatred. He put this into words simply, by saying "How do I ruin every single movie?" 

"Read mine next!" Zay said, clearly unaware of whatever was going through other people's heads, like always. 

"I forgive you for figuring out the end of every movie and shouting it out before it happens." 

Farkle felt even worse. He always thought his friends liked that about him, that he was being nice by showing off his intellect. He was angry now, angry at himself, and it came out as a profound sadness as he said, "Don't worry. It'll never happen again." He wasn't sure what he was thinking.

Riley and Maya left of classroom and went into the hallway. Maya was filled with thoughts about what she should write to her father, but even she remembered what Farkle said. So when she saw him, she tapped him on the shoulder, knowing something was wrong and thinking maybe she could help, because he had always helped her when she was figuring out her feelings for Riley. But then he turned to her, and she saw a darkness in his eyes even she couldn't relate to. She decided to say nothing, and act like Riley had tapped him. Luckily, the taller girl was more than willing to ask the question both of them were thinking. "Farkle, what's wrong?" Riley asked. 

Farkle spoke without thinking once again, for the umpteenth time that day. "I am." He then ran away unsure where he was going but knowing he needed to make the spiraling thoughts in his head disappear, because they were getting worse, he was getting worse, and suddenly he was outside. 

Suddenly he had a new thought. If he was dead, he wouldn't have to live with the memories...


	8. A Scene Through a Window

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Matthews talks to the kids and goes to find Farkle.

Mr. Matthews had just begun grading the Hoover Dam assignment from the previous class when he heard Riley from outside the classroom call out to Farkle, who Cory could see through the window was running away. He remembered the boy had skipped class, and knew this was getting to the point of something serious if he was running away from his friends. He remembered too what Harper had suggested, and felt even worse for not having asked the kids about this sooner, but it was too late for guilt. He needed to do something. He needed answers. 

Farkle was gone by the time Mr. Matthews stepped into the hallway; and Riley, Maya, Lucas and Zay were just standing around, unsure whether to chase after him or not. Mr Matthews walked up to them and asked "What's up with Farkle? Why wasn't he in class?" 

"I dunno, sir," said Lucas. 

Zay added: "He said he was tired, but he's been acting strange since yesterday. He said something about us not having to worry about him ruining movies anymore." 

"He's-" Maya started, but then stopped talking, processing what Zay said. "We need to find him, now!" she said, and immediately began running outside. Riley naturally followed her, unsure why, and everyone else went along with the sudden change in dynamic. Soon they were outside. 

"If you were Farkle, where would you run off to?" Maya asked, seemingly to herself. "He wouldn't go home- you guys have any ideas? _Anything? __"_ She stressed the last word, glaring at the world and seeming more nervous and angry now than she did when Lucas and Riley brought up her father, which said a lot as to how serious the situation was.

"He'd be at Topanga's or in the fire escape behind his apartment." Lucas said, remembering Farkle had told him those were the places he went to when he was sad. 

"Nobody would dare try... Even Farkle isn't that smart..." Maya muttered to herself, before perking up. "Mr. Matthews, will you drive us to Farkle's apartment?" 

Mr. Matthews has put together the pieces of what Maya was thinking, and knew there was no time to lose. "Yes, but there's only room for four people." 

"Zay, you're not coming. Riley's a people person, I know most of Farkle's secrets, and Lucas can pin him down if he tries anything. You're the odd one out." 

"I still don't understand what's happening." Riley complained. 

"Lucas isn't very good with controlling himself when the stakes are this high. Besides, I'm the only one of us other than you who remembered to bring my phone."Zay argued, and Maya actually agreed with him. 

"Okay, I'll stay behind and text you what you need to know. Now go find him before he fucks up!" Maya shouted, not caring she had just swore. The other four began running over to the Sudan and waiting anxiously as Cory unlocked it. 

"So what's happening?" Lucas asked, almost as confused as Riley was. 

"Maya just texted me. She said she thinks Farkle is going to try to kill himself, and that we should ask Mr. Matthews for more details." Zay said, for once his voice lacking any trace of humor. 

"What on earth is happening? What do you know?" Lucas asked Mr. Matthews, who was driving ten miles above the speed limit. 

"It doesn't matter what he knows, we gotta find Farkle!" Riley screamed, scared out of her mind by the fact that one of her best friends might _kill _ __himself. Mr. Matthews found the apartment and parked; and everyone else ran out of the car to the fire escape.__


	9. The Roof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Farkle chose the roof for a number of reasons.

Farkle, already out of breath, was grateful Riley always kept her window open. He knew his friends would be expecting him to choose the fire escape as his way out, because he knows the way Maya thinks and he knows how she's the only one (other than possibly Zay) who would know what he was planning. He already had three unread texts, and the phone had been ringing, well, vibrating, nonstop. Farkle put it on silent as he ran through the empty Matthews' house, and scurried onto the roof. 

Farkle had chose the roof for a number of reasons, the first one being he was tired and the roof was incredibly close to the school. He also knew his friends wouldn't expect him to be on the roof of someone else's apartment, because Farkle may climb in through others' windows but the boy ended his boundary breaking there, usually. But he didn't care anymore. He didn't care about anything anymore, and he wanted out of this miserable existence. He didn't want to be saved, and he didn't want to be helped. He wanted to stop being a burden on his parent's marriage. He wanted to stop being the girly freak he was doomed to being. He wanted to stop the endless nightmare that he had been living since Texas. 

He didn't know exactly how high he was, but it overlooked an alley on one side, so if he lived he wouldn't be found until he died of blood loss. Farkle was enough of a genius to know how to die properly. He decided to leave his phone on the roof, and to leave a message to the world, so the next time the gang came onto the roof they'd remember him. He opened Notes and began typing. He typed incredibly fast.

_Dad,  
I'm sorry I never grew up to the rule the world like we always planned. You've been good to me. Please, do what will make you happy when I'm gone, even if you're scared. You'll be happier without the ring. This isn't your fault. It's natural selection. Survival of the fittest, remember? I'm sorry I didn't make the cut. Thank you for believing in me. _

_Mom,  
I'm sorry I couldn't be the daughter you always dreamed of. Maybe your new kid will turn out better than I was. Don't think this is your fault, it isn't. I know you love me. I wish that could be enough. ___

_Riley,  
You're Pluto. The smallest planet with the biggest heart. Keep Maya hopeful for me. I'll be looking over you from space. ___

_Maya,  
I'm sorry I had to leave. It isn't your fault. You're smarter than they think, and that's okay. Go on, and keep on painting and drawing. Art can change the world. Just remember the Renaissance. And keep Riley smiling. She's not as okay as she seems. Nobody ever is. ___

_Lucas and Zay,  
You're the only two good things that have ever come out of Texas. I'll miss you guys. ___

_Mr. Matthews,  
You've been an amazing teacher. Thank you for giving me Farkle time, and for never treating me like my difference was a bad thing. Remember me when any other geniuses come along. Don't let this happen to them. _

_Harper,  
Talking isn't all that helpful, but thanks for giving me an option. Evil always wins in the end, even when it seems like good has the upper hand. ___

Farkle put his phone down on the roof. He sighed, and with an astounding amount of courage, chose the perfect last words: "Thank you, I am Farkle." He didn't believe in God, but maybe some aliens were watching over his last few moments on Earth. He hoped so. He gave a small bow, his eyes tearing up, his final act. Nobody would ever see it. He was certain this was for the best. Then he gathered the rest of the strength he had left, and jumped.


	10. Finding Farkle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure you're in a good head space for this one.

"Where do we go now?" Zay asked, panic in his voice. 

"The alley outside my apartment. His apartment building's on the other side, and we can see the fire escapes of both buildings from there." Riley was surprisingly calm as the group began running to the alley. She refused to believe what Maya said was true. Farkle would never kill himself. He was logical, and there was nothing bad enough in the world to warrant ending it. And since Farkle was going to rule the world, ending his life was a lot like ending the- oh. 

Oh. No, this is fake, Riley told herself, as Lucas ran over to Farkle, calling his name. Farkle would never do this, this all an elaborate prank, she told herself. Zay was shaking him. There was blood, a lot of it. His head was crushed. This wasn't him. This isn't him. This was all a lie, but lies weren't this realistic, and he wasn't moving. Cory calls 911.

"Hello, yes, there is a body. His head is damaged, but the skull's intact. He's lost a lot of blood. Get here soon." He was surprised at how calm he sounded, because in his head he was terrified. This was all his fault for not getting Farkle help the minute he turned in that assignment. Why didn't there school have a goddamn guidance counselor? How does the world change so damn fast? 

The ambulance got there within ten minutes. Nobody was allowed inside of it. Mr. Matthews called Farkle's parents. He started crying as he told them. Lucas was already crying, and Zay seemed in shock. Nobody was okay. Farkle was rushed to the hospital, but the E.M.T said he likely wouldn't survive. He likely wouldn't.


	11. He's... Gone, Sir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hospital diagnosed him with "injuries not compatible with life".

They all got into Mr. Matthew's Sudan. Mr. Matthews was still crying while he was driving. Zay began thinking about all the events that led up to this. Was there something he could have done? Was there anything that could have been done? Is he actually going to die? Was it really a suicide? He suddenly remembered one of the movies he, Lucas, and Farkle had seen. It was a Jackie Chan movie, and there was a fight scene on the roof, and Jackie Chan threw both guys off. Farkle had revealed the ending to that movie. Would it have been possible that Farkle had enemies they didn't know about? Was Farkle's knowledge of the fight scene a warning? Zay was filled with questions, and he was afraid to ask them. This was one of his newest guy friends, and he was dead. In Texas people don't die unless they fall off a bull like Tombstone or a gun misfires. Zay just didn't understand why horrible things had to happen, and he was still in shock. He didn't want to think about how he had selfishly insisted on going with, thinking this would be some sort of adventure or something. Thinking it would be like one of those T.V. shows his mom watches, where characters always get talked out of suicide before committing the act. If it was a suicide. Farkle could have all sorts of secrets, Zay rationalized. Farkle better make it out alive though, or when I die, I will beat his ass in Hell, Zay thought to himself silently.

Lucas knew Farkle was dead. Farkle was a scientist, and he knew how to ensure wounds would be fatal. Lucas dug his fists into his hands as he realized _Farkle must have planned this _ __. Farkle must have known they wouldn't find him before it was too late. Farkle was dead, and they had been arguing bout who had to go find him. Nobody thought it would be this serious, and now it _is __and now Farkle's dead, and it is all their fault. If Lucas had chased after him, if he had made him talk the day before at lunch, if he hadn't been so focused on who he was crushing on, Farkle Minkus might still be alive. Lucas thought this to himself. Lucas knew Farkle would hate for him to think differently about the boy now that he's dead (Lucas knows nobody survived a wound that bad. Not even the future ruler of the world. God, Farkle would never rule the world again!) Lucas thought about praying, but he remembered how he heckled Farkle about not believing in God. Not believing in something you can't see. Lucas figured maybe Farkle's right. What kind of a god would allow the most loyal, funny, smartest person Lucas has ever known to die? Die by his own hand, or, as it is, force? Farkle must have known the consequences his actions would have, just as much as he knew what angle he'd have to jump to get those kinds of fatal wounds. Lucas was filled with rage at himself, and to a lesser extent rage at Farkle. How could he have been so selfish? It is not known whether that question was directed at Farkle or Lucas himself. Likely both.___

Riley was in denial. This isn't happening to me, she told herself quietly. Farkle is alive. This was just on of his genius experiments, faking his own death. But even as she told herself this, she didn't believe it. She thought to how Farkle had told her her own feelings about Lucas. She thought about eating ice cream together in Texas, how silent he seemed, so unlike himself after telling one awful joke. She wondered when did he change? When did someone just decide the world wasn't worth it anymore? When she said she hadn't been taught enough bad things about the world, she didn't meant this kind of bad things. She could still see his face, bleeding and broken, when she closed her eyes so she kept them open. She wasn't okay. How could the world be cruel enough to let something like this happen to an innocent boy? She didn't know what exactly happened, but something must have snapped inside of him.

Nobody remembered to tell Maya what happened, so she tried not to think about it. She wrote to her father.

When the group got to the hospital they remained silent. Riley, Zay, and Mr. Matthews had been crying. Lucas looked ready to kill. They walked into the hospital and asked to see Farkle Minkus. The person in the waiting room told them he was dead on arrival. The hospital had diagnosed him with injuries not compatible with life, a fancy way of saying he had mortal wounds. He was gone. Farkle's parents still hadn't shown up to the hospital, and Mr. Matthews felt sorry for them. How were they going to deal with the death of their firstborn? Riley was crying, Zay had gone into a state of emotional numbness, and Lucas? Lucas looked ready to kill himself with all the guilt he felt.


	12. I'm Not Okay, I'm Not O-Fucking-Kay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People grieve Farkle. Riley hides, Lucas remembers, Zay fights, and Maya finds out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also there is talk of suicidal thoughts and implied self-harm in this chapter, just warning y'all. Stay safe

The days pass in a blur. Riley didn't go to school. She stayed in her room, crying and looking at every picture she had of Farkle. She wasn't sure what hurt worse, the fact that she hadn't took very many or the happiness Farkle was feeling in pictures. She wanted to scream at him, wanted to find out what changed. Why couldn't he be happy anymore? Why couldn't he talk to anyone about what had happened instead of going off to die? Topanga tried to comfort her, but what could she say? What could be said?

Mr. Matthews went to school. Maya revealed that she had mailed her letter, and he was proud of her, but he still felt guilty when he looked at the empty chair in the middle of the room. He realized it suddenly, that Maya still didn't know. And he was going to tell her, but then class was over, and Mr. Matthews had to deal with ninth graders. He didn't want to even be there, at the school Farkle loved so much, but he had a job to do. Mr. Yancy only gave so many sick days. 

Lucas went to school, but he didn't listen to anyone. The thought followed him like a bad dram, but it was real. 

'Farkle. Is. Dead.' was cemented into his brain like it had been stamped there, and he saw the ghost of his best friend in every class. He saw him asking about Belgium 1831 in history class, joking in the hallway, giving the perfect answer in English, hating gym class but never once failing to try. The memories were _everywhere. _ __There was no escape, and Lucas felt like maybe he should be cursed with this, these memories of his best friend who was dead because they couldn't find him fast enough. This was more than what he deserved, and the pain remembering was nothing compared to what Farkle must have gone through. Lucas still didn't understand why, but why didn't matter. Farkle mattered, but life went on without him. It seemed wrong to Lucas. Life should stop, everything should stop now that Farkle was gone. But nothing did.__

Zay spent the day roaming the streets, getting into as many fights as possible. This was all his fault for not noticing, for insisting to go along like finding Farkle was some kind of game when it wasn't, it was life and death. Zay already felt half-dead with grief, and it didn't matter if he got arrested. So what? He'd be another statistic if he got shot, but at least he was still trying to live. He was still fighting for a chance to feel alive. Farkle had just given up, and Zay always thought he was better than that. Farkle was smart, didn't he know his death would lead to a downward spiral of people not caring about themselves anymore? Didn't he know he mattered? Why meant everything to Zay, but he wasn't going to get any answers, so he taunted boys on street corners and threw insults while the other boy threw punches. When the day ended, he was bruised and bloody, but not arrested. Zay felt more alive than ever, and it almost made going home to an empty apartment worth it. He was so angry, but after that day he wasn't angry anymore.

Maya went to _Topanga's _ __and waited. Her mother luckily didn't have her shift then, and she was nervous. Worse than that, she was alone. Riley had missed school and Maya was terrified her suspicion was right about Farkle, but her father had said this was the only time he could meet with her. Mr. Matthews had taught them the importance of finding out why people did what they did before forgiving them so that's what she wanted to find out.__

Afterwards, she discovered she couldn't forgive him. She was still unsure if she could even forgive herself for being angry for so long. She was crying, emotionally drained, and completely alone. She then realized Riley hadn't tried to contact her all day. She called her on her crappy flip phone, scared about Farkle and feeling incredibly selfish for not even bothering to find out if one of her best friends was dead.

"What happened?" Maya asked, not ready for any more pain after having met her father, _alone. _ __"Please tell me he's alive. Please, Riley, tell me everything's okay."__

"I'm sorry, Maya. Nothing's okay. Farkle's dead, Maya. He's dead, and I'm not okay. I'm not o-fucking-kay. I just don't... I don't know why he did it. I want to know why we weren't good enough for him." Riley was crying as she said this. She felt empty, but talking to Maya, expressing herself, helped a little bit. At least she wasn't alone. 

"No. No, Riley, he did not do this because we weren't good enough. He's Farkle. He would never do something like that." She was shocked and surprised that Farkle actually did it, and also felt this odd urge to giggle at Riley-her precious Riley- swearing, but it also pained her to think of Farkle being gone, and Riley being so distraught over it was normal. Maya couldn't bring herself to believe this, that she was right, she never wanted to be right. But hope was for suckers, so she would never hope Farkle's alive if Riley said he wasn't. 

"He would never kill himself either, but he did. We knew something was wrong, but we took too long trying to find him. It's our fault, Maya. I killed him. " 

"He killed himself because he was depressed, Riley. You can't blame yourself," Maya said this hypocritically, she felt guilty for not being there as much as the others felt for finding him too late. "He was suicidal and when you're suicidal, you'd do anything to get out. You push people away because you're not good for them, you hurt yourself in ways others can't see, and you value your friends happiness over your own. He wouldn't want you to blame yourself or be sad over him. " 

What Maya said made Riley think about something other than Farkle for the first time all day. "Peaches, how do you know how suicidal people think?" 

"I'm broken, Riley, you know that. And we're both not o-fucking-kay." 

"You- you mean you wanted to die? You don't still, do you? You're not going to die too. I refuse to let you." Riley was shocked. She wasn't used to people thinking such dark things, and apparently two of her friends were planning their own deaths. And one had succeeded. 

"It's in the past, Riles, don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." Maya reassured her girlfriend, picking at some old scars as she said it. 

"Good. I need you. We need to find out what happened to Farkle." Riley had stopped crying, and she seemed more like her old scheming, fixer-upper self. She needed to know why he did it. She felt knowing would take the image of his broken, bloody body out of her mind.

Maya needed to know why as well. She agreed to help Riley find out, and then she told Riley about her father.

It would be so much easier if all they had to worry about were kids biting teddy bears faces off, friends ruining movies, and fathers leaving. Instead friends bit the dust, death ruined life, and nobody had answers to their questions yet.


	13. So Why Do People Off Themselves?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riley and Maya try to get the surviving members of their friend group to try to figure out why Farkle did it, and Maya ends up going into more details about her life than she wished.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self harm and suicidal thoughts are talked about frankly and rather graphically in this chapter, read with your own digression. ~~I relapsed and am using writing as a way to stop myself from going further ~~~~~~, so yeah, now that the authorial intent has been revealed and obligatory warning given, on to the show! Also I have not been formally diagnosed with depression, so if I get anything wrong on that front, LET ME KNOW.

Riley still felt awful that next morning, but less so now that she had a plan. She texted Lucas, Zay, and Maya, asking them to meet up at her house after school. 

Farkle's parents had talked to the principal and the kids doing the announcements actually took it seriously, saying the fatal words "Farkle Minkus is dead." 

None of the teachers gave the students any work, they themselves were trying to hold it together. 

Zay was back, and back to his usual tricks. Nobody dared question him with his two black eyes and swollen lip. When he told them Farkle had killed himself and he had seen the body, they believed him. Zay got no pleasure out of this, but merely felt it was wrong for students to not know what exactly had happened. 

In art class, the assignment was to paint your feelings. Riley painted an entirely gray canvas. Maya painted a canvas of red horizontal lines, which Riley told herself to ask Maya about later. Lucas cut his canvas into pieces and painted every piece a different color, most of them the colors of Farkle's turtlenecks, with one prominent one in the middle painted black. He then taped the pieces together with duct tape. Zay tried to paint what he had seen, Farkle's body, but it ended up looking like a mess and he started crying. In history class, Mr. Matthews thought it would be helpful to go around the room talking about everyone's favorite memory of Farkle. By the end of class, everyone was crying. Luckily, the next and last class was science, where students learned exactly what was happening to their brain when they were going through the stages of grief. 

The four walked to Riley's house in silence. Riley deliberately led them in a route that did not go by that godforsaken alley. Then once they were all in Riley's room, Riley told them her plan. But before she did, Maya said something. 

"I can still remember the day he came over here, saying he felt like when he wasn't in school he wasn't part of the story. Could that have been a warning?" 

"Maya, he had been joking." Riley insisted. "That was over a year ago." 

"Yeah, but when I planned to kill myself, I had been feeling that way for over a year." 

"Maya," Riley said, unsure what to say, but wanting to show her love through her tone. She kissed her briefly, before Zay coughed. 

"Right, um, I thought maybe we could try to figure out why Farkle did it. For closure. So the first thing we should do is figure out the simple question: Why do people off themselves?" Maya said this, feeling something she could name. 

Lucas figured since Maya had just mentioned her past, it was okay to bring up again. "So you seem to have first hand experience," he said awkwardly. "Why did you want to do it?" 

Maya sighed. "It's a long story. So basically, I was dealing with my mom's new job at the diner after acting had failed her, and she was never home, and I felt..." She trailed off, not knowing the right word. 

"Unwanted?" Zay supplied. 

"Yeah, unwanted. I was left alone with just the internet and my apartment. And this was around fifth grade, when Riley was busy changing diapers and failing math." 

"Maya, I'm sorry. If I had known, I would have-" Riley was cut off with Maya interlocking her hand in hers. 

"It wasn't your fault, pumpkin. You were allowed to have a life without me. " Maya seemed to be talking directly to Riley at this point. "So, anyway, I was also going through puberty, and I was living without a dad when all the other kids did, and so one day I just googled 'what should I do to feel less worthless?' And I discovered there were people who hurt themselves to make themselves feel better. So I, I dunno, I wanted to feel the relief they talked about. You know that I had been not going to school and stuff. Well, hurting myself gave me an adrenaline rush, and that made doing stuff easier. But the world still just seemed like it would be better off without me. And so I would just hurt myself, and one day, it was in the summer so you were off at that horse riding camp you wrote to me about, one day I just decided it wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth the money m mom was spending on me. I felt like a burden," "Maya, peaches, you are NOT a burden, and never had been." Riley couldn't stand hearing her girlfriend say that as if it would be an uncontested fact. "I know that now, but I felt like one then. Logic means nothing to a suicidal mind. Anyway, so I cut myself deeper than usual, in the chest in hopes I'd hit a vital organ, in hopes I'd die, just like in some dramatic movie or something. I didn't hit a vital organ, obviously." Maya was tearing up at this point, but she blinked the tears back. "Anyway, it hurt more than anything else had ever hurt in my life, and then I passed out. Luckily, my mom came home early from work that day, said she just had a 'feeling'," Maya used air quotes as she said this, "something had happened to me, and I got taken to a hospital, and got a friggin' blood transfusion, and" she made arm gestures for emphasis, "surprise, surprise, I have depression! Anyway, I don't see how this applies to Farkle. He didn't display many signs of depression, and there were no signs of self injury on the body."

"How do you know that?" Lucas asked, thankful he had something not personal to latch onto. 

"I did some research, broke into some files and forwarded them to Maya. The hospital already did an autopsy." Riley said, having spent the small part of the previous day she wasn't nostalgia-ing doing exactly that. 

"Riley, that's illegal." Lucas said, knowing it was the type of thing Farkle would say, and hating himself for the fact Farkle wasn't around to say it. 

"I felt guilty I hadn't told her, and what the law doesn't know won't hurt them." 

"So what now?" Zay asked. "Farkle's dead, Maya's sob story been revealed, but we still can't _do _ __anything."__

Lucas countered him this time. "We can talk to people. We can find out what he said, what he did, when he started acting odd, whether it was depression or some other type of stress, what exactly happened. I mean, he didn't even leave a note. Something must have shaken him up, because the Farkle I know would have at least left a note, something to tell us it wasn't our fault or something." 

Maya knew what he was thinking. "It wasn't our fault, Huckleberry. Farkle loves us. Farkle loved you, perhaps more than most." 

"So we'll be reading the mind of dead person. This isn't hard at all." Zay said, thinking about what had happened in the past week. 

"No," Riley said, her face in an oddly tight grin, "Not hard at all."


	14. the Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find out what happened to Farkle. Nobody is okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I haven't updated in so long. I know it's unfair to you all. I'll try to do better by y'all.

Riley decided to ask her dad if he knew anything. It was a few weeks after Farkle's death, and she hadn't had the guts to bring up the topic with her family. She had looked through Farkle's blog, but he hadn't updated since October, before Texas. It was hard, living and laughing and loving and trying to figure out the reasons to go on when Farkle should have been there. Riley, Lucas, Zay and Maya were trying to read the mind of a genius, but now they needed help in order to get answers. 

Riley approached him after school. Maya had gone home. She needed some time alone. 

"Dad?"

Mr. Matthews had been grading papers. It hurt him so badly that there would be no paper of Farkle's to grade, no A to rival Riley's. But he had to get used to it. This was what not speaking out does. It leaves hurting students to go off themselves and teachers to live with regret. He looked up. "Yes, Riles?"

"Do you have any idea why..." Riley blinked back tears. This wasn't easy. "Why Farkle might have done what he did?" She ended that sentence fast, like she was afraid of saying it. 

"Riley, I can't know what was going through Farkle's head at the time. Nobody can. He stayed quiet until the end." 

"Oh." Riley's face fell. Mr. Matthews couldn't live with himself. 

"But... there was one possible reason why he might have done it. One clue, I guess. It was an English paper. But you might not want to read it." 

"I need to know why, Dad! He was one of my best friends, and he killed himself, and you have answers, and you're just going to leave me hanging! I..." Riley's anger ran out. "I need to know. Farkle always knew what went on in my life, even when I tried to hide it. I want to understand, Dad." 

"Okay. But I'm warning you, it's dark. You might want to read it with your mom, or Maya. It might leave you with more questions than answers." Like it left Cory and Harper, with more "What if"s than either of them deserved. It wasn't fair, the way he left them. It wasn't fair, the way Cory and Harper had suspected and done not enough. But death, like so much else in the world, is never fair. 

Mr Matthews went through his desk drawer and pulled out the copy of Farkle's paper. He felt a jolt of fear, what he was letting his daughter read,because although he knew she wasn't ready for this, she was grieving and Mr. Matthews couldn't deny her. 

Riley texted the gang a few hours later. They met up at the Bay Window at six, and Riley took the paper out of her pocket. 

She took a deep, shaky breath. "My dad gave me something." 

Lucas knew what this meant. "It's about Farkle, isn't it?" 

"It was a paper Farkle wrote for English class," Riley said.

"Before he died... Maybe it was a cry for help!" Maya exclaimed. 

"Well, are ya gonna read it or what?" Zay said, anxious. 

"I was scared to read it alone. My dad said it was..." She tried to remember the word he used. "Dark." 

"Can I read it?" Lucas asked, sounding like what Maya, if she were in the right kind of mood, might describe as 'such a Huckleberry'. 

"Yeah." Riley handed him the paper. 

"It happened in Texas" Lucas read before thinking out loud. "Wait a minute, when could something had happened in Texas? We were with him the entire time!" Riley tensed. She remember Farkle's oddly long trip to the bathroom, and thought about Maya's story about suicide. Could Farkle had tried something when she thought they were having fun? 

Maya, seeing the look of panic on Riley's face, shouted at Lucas "It doesn't matter, we can find out if you KEEP READING!" 

"okay sorry. I'll read it all at once and then we can react." 

They all nodded in consent to this. Lucas continued. "We had gone to get ice cream," Riley's fear intensified, "leaving behind the two people that would likely be making out by the end of the night, if my friend was correct." Zay chuckled at that, then pretended to cough, muttering an apology under his breath. Lucas continued in voice mimicking Farkle's own. "I was certain she was wrong. I knew who our friend at the campfire liked, and it wasn't anyone born and bred in Texas." 

Zay's lack of filter got the best of him. "Okay, I know we agreed not to react, but if that dude knew about Rilaya's feelings, why the hell did he keep quiet?" 

Lucas' eyebrows raised. "Rilaya?" he asked, before realizing "Oh, Riley and Maya." 

Maya was pissed. "I'll read from now on, since you two, who claim to be Farkle's friends, can't seem to stay on topic." Zay and Lucas felt guilty, and knew how it was likely Maya's grief talking. Lucas handed the page to Maya. 

"Suddenly the line moved up. I got chocolate chip ice cream, she got vanilla." Riley's thoughts were a chorus of _ohshitohshitohshitohshit, _ __and Maya gave her a reassuring hand on her shoulder before continuing. "I was excited, because I was in a new state and with my friends. I had gone on a train for the first time a few days ago. Everyone had an accent. We ate in silence. After a while I had to go to the bathroom. I grabbed a cup and dumped the rest of my cone in it, planning to finish once I came out. I came into the Mens' room. The stall didn't lock, but nobody else was in there so I thought that I was safe." Maya stopped for a moment. Then asked "Are you sure you want to know what happened?"__

Riley's resolve firmed. "Yes."

"Lucas, Zay?" 

"Hey, I can handle the truth!" Zay said. Lucas merely nodded. 

Maya sighed, then continued, dread growing. "I thought that I was safe, so I began peeing. Then I heard the door open. Suddenly someone was touching my shoulders. I fainted." 

Maya read ahead and breathed deeply a few times, scared of what she had to reveal. Scared of what had happened to Farkle. Then she continued. "I woke up to the man touching me, one hand on my shoulder, the other pulling down his pants." 

Riley gasped, and the tears she had been blinking back since early that afternoon fell. "Keep going." Lucas said. He needed to know what he thought was happening was a lie. It had to be. Farkle couldn't have been... Maya was crying at this point too, but she could read through the tears. "I said stop before he covered my mouth, using his elbow to keep me pinned against the toilet. He said I was a freak. A girly freak. I didn't belong in the Men's room, he said. He looked like Mr. Matthews, but not really. I think I blacked out again." Maya decided to omit the crossed out parts. She couldn't believe this. "I woke up again and walked out. I washed my hands. I told myself I was fine. I walked out in a daze. My friend asked me what took me so long. I said there was a giant statue of a bull in the Men's room. It was an obvious lie, but it made her laugh. I wanted to make her laugh. My friends are going through so much these days, and I couldn't be a burden. I had to..." Maya trailed off, then repeated herself. "I had to help them figure out their lives, because my friends are the most important people I know. Something in my mind told me she'd never believe me anyway. I finished my ice cream, telling dumb jokes throughout. I'mfineI'mfineI'mfine ran in the background of my thoughts. It hasn't stopped since. I feel like killing something, like I should go back to Texas and kill him. It was messed up, and I can never be the same again. I'm not fine. Nobody knows. I can't stop thinking about it, but I can't talk about it either. Maybe I am a girly freak. Telling people would mean explaining myself to them, and I have worked so hard to be normal." Maya finished, crumpled the paper, and sobbed. 

Lucas spoke first. "He thought he was a burden?!" 

"How could he think we wouldn't believe him? How could I have not noticed? I'm a horrible friend." Riley said, a wave of self-loathing and shock hitting her. 

"I... I think I should leave." Zay said, memories of Farkle hitting his mind, as well as some other memories he didn't know he had, memories he was not prepared to deal with. He didn't want his friends to see him cry. He ran out of the room. 


	15. Zay's Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He knew that man.

Zay felt like throwing up as he ran through the streets of New York, headed home. He was in shock. He was afraid and ashamed and he was remembering, remembering, remember... 

_"Remember, you can't tell your parents about this." Zay's new babysitter said they were going to try something fun. Zay was excited, because he had been hoping he'd get to go to the carnival outside of town that his parents said not to go to. He agreed..._

_The memory shifted. He could feel hands on his thighs and he told him to get off... "You're being so brave. We can go to the carnival after." How did he know? How did he..._

_There was pain, a lot of it... He could feel the weight on him. ___

Zay puked on the side of the road. He felt awful. Farkle's death had taken a lot out of him and now he found out he had memories he never knew he had, and Farkle had suffered from the hands of the same man. A stranger yelled at him, saying to get away from her shop or she'd call the police. He walked the rest of the way home, trying to forget the feeling of hands on him and a burning in his butt, but it was a fruitless attempt.

By the time Zay got home, it was late. He tried to sleep but failed. He tried to think about Farkle and how he had acted in the days between his death and Texas, but that only made him start crying. He didn't know what to do with himself. He was about to go to the internet when someone buzzed in. 

"Hello?" 

"It's Lucas, let me in." 

Zay buzzed Lucas up. 

"So, what happened after I left?" Zay asked, desperate for distraction. 

"Riley started crying, and Maya started planning how to take that man to court for manslaughter and statutory. Riley said she had seen the man go into the restroom but thought nothing of it, and so she thought this might have been her fault. I tried to comfort them, but I was in shock. I can't imagine how horrible it must be, to have been raped and then scared into silence. Farkle was suffering and we didn't notice in time. We did nothing!" Lucas was getting angry, but Zay was focused on the phrase 'raped and then scared into silence'. He wasn't scared into silence though. He just hadn't remembered. He decided to speak up.

"Lucas... I think I know the guy who did it." 


End file.
